I also lied. There is one thing I envy you for. You spent an afternoon talking baseball with Brian Wilson. Now that is epic. And it tells me that there is some glimmer of hope, of taste, of sense left in that head of yours. So I'm going to offer you some advice I guarantee you haven't had yet. Something with, dare I say, a little imagination.
Why don't you head down to Arizona. No goddesses, no drugs, no interviews. Rent yourself a big fat hotel room. Order room service - you look like you could use a meal. Check out the fluffy white clouds and the expansive desert. Peaceful. Take a breath.
Use that celebrity status and your new found friendship with the Beard to watch the team workout before the crowds arrive. Check out the camaraderie. The discipline. The teamwork. See if Brian will introduce you to the guys (although I'd avoid Bochy if I were you - my guess is he'd as soon slap you as look at you). I don't suppose you'd be Buster Posey's cup of tea but he's enough of a gentleman that he'd likely take a moment to tell you how epic it can be to be a good guy. Timmy Lincecum can show you how to amuse yourself when mind altering substances aren't an option (bowtie, anyone?) Aubrey Huff can explain uses for a thong that don't involve $30,000 and a blonde. Most importantly, Barry Zito can show you how a true Adonis behaves when he's told to take the bench because he's not delivering what he's supposed to.
It's just a thought. But if the Giant's therapy worked out you might be back next year with those five kids you're so crazy about instead of a flock of reporters waiting for the next bat guano crazy to come out of you mouth.
Take it from me, Charlie, spring training is EPIC. I may not be a rock star, but I'll be there next week. Three rows behind home plate. Beer in one hand, hot dog in the other, Wilson shirt on my back, smile on my face.......WINNING!!!!!!!!!!!
