Are you there God? It's me, Rick..Michele..Sarah...Herman

If I put some pants on think I could take New Hampshire?

Dear God,

We're a little confused.  Well - they're confused.  I know who you were actually talking to.  See, when you told me to run for President I stepped up - I did as you asked.  I threw my hat into the Fox News ring and honored your fervent plea to spend million of pac dollars pursuing your goal of making me the Leader of the Free World.

But all of a sudden these imposters show up.  You know, supposedly like minded people CLAIMING you told them to run for President.  But obviously you didn't tell us all to run for President.  Obviously these other "contenders" are following a false god or just making up stuff or maybe had one too many Chardonnays from the Iowa Hilton Mini-Bar.  Whatever, we need to clear this up.

Now I know you've got a lot on your plate - African Genocide, Middle East terrorist Attacks, 3rd World Poverty, AIDS, Frank McCourt and the Dodgers.

But if you could just take a few minutes out and do a brief interivew on The O'Reilly Factor (I know you don't usually do television but this is super important) and clear up which one of us is really the annointed one well, that would be super helpful.

In your name I - okay we- pray.

Sincerely,

Sarah, Michele, Rick and Herman

once again, the president's fans and I agree to disagree

So the latest defense of the President's negotiating style by his dedicated fanbase is that he is playing chess while everyone else is playing checkers.  Doesn't look like chess to me.  Looks a lot more like....

gentlemen, put down your cameras

unless the image you're about to tweet, e-mail, facebook, etc....  looks a lot like this (i.e. a centuries old marble idealized version of the human form).  just. don't. photodocument and send.   much love.  your friends of the opposite sex.

Dear Charlie....

Charlie, I'm gonna cut to the chase.  Despite what you may think, there are many, many of us who don't envy you.  Not a bit.  Many of us who think "26 million dollars a year and the best he can come up with is coke and porn stars?".  You call it winning, Charlie, I call it a tragic lack of imagination.  What is it with guys like you and Tiger Woods?  You have access to everything in the world and that's the best you can come up with.  Porn and coke.  Or in Tiger's case porn and poker.  I get from your interviews that you think you have a special brain but it doesn't take a special brain to pay a woman to watch you get high on a toilet.  It doesn't take a special brain to think it's cool to be with a porn star.  It takes a 13 year old's brain.  The same brain that  thinks it's a good idea to steal beer and cigarettes and Hustler from the corner store.  And given the fact that apparently your sexual tryst with the porn star took about two minutes, seems that 13 year old brain is working in tandem with the 13 year old's sexual skill set but I digress.

I also lied.  There is one thing I envy you for.  You spent an afternoon talking baseball with Brian Wilson.  Now that is epic.  And it tells me that there is some glimmer of hope, of taste, of sense left in that head of yours.  So I'm going to offer you some advice I guarantee you haven't had yet.  Something with, dare I say, a little imagination.

Why don't you head down to Arizona.  No goddesses, no drugs, no interviews.  Rent yourself a big fat hotel room.  Order room service - you look like you could use a meal.  Check out the fluffy white clouds and the expansive desert.  Peaceful.  Take a breath.

Use that celebrity status and your new found friendship with the Beard to watch the team workout before the crowds arrive.  Check out the camaraderie.  The discipline.  The teamwork.  See if Brian will introduce you to the guys (although I'd avoid Bochy if I were you - my guess is he'd as soon slap you as look at you).  I don't suppose you'd be Buster Posey's cup of tea but he's enough of a gentleman that he'd likely take a moment to tell you how epic it can be to be a good guy.  Timmy Lincecum can show you how to amuse yourself when mind altering substances aren't an option (bowtie, anyone?)  Aubrey Huff can explain uses for a thong that don't involve $30,000 and a blonde.  Most importantly, Barry Zito can show you how a true Adonis behaves when he's told to take the bench because he's not delivering what he's supposed to. 

It's just a thought.  But if the Giant's therapy worked out you might be back next year with those five kids you're so crazy about instead of a flock of reporters waiting for the next bat guano crazy to come out of you mouth.

Take it from me, Charlie, spring training is EPIC. I may not be a rock star, but I'll be there next week.  Three rows behind home plate.  Beer in one hand, hot dog in the other, Wilson shirt on my back, smile on my face.......WINNING!!!!!!!!!!!

john boehner's state of the union

jb says "don't i look alert here?"

John Boehner sat behind the President during the State of the Union address with the glazed look more often associated with a too long wait for a table at a rib joint than listening to the leader of the free world but, hey, that's our Speaker.  "What was he thinking?", I wondered, and then the oddest thing - it was as if I could actually channel him....


God I hate sitting behind this guy - I mean, I know I used to be a janitor but does that mean I should sit in the back? - shouldn't this guy be sensitive to that ?- God I want a drink - what is he talking about cutting off big oil - how the hell would I get paid? Jeez, now he's talking about education -blah blah blah - success isn't about fame - what is he - nuts?  You think I suffered through all that sweeping to be an unknown mediocre golfer? - I DON'T THINK SO.  No child left behind - he knows how I feel about children - he's just bringing them up to make me cry - You can't make me cry Mr. President guy. Now he's talking about some teacher wiping away tears like it's a good thing - where were you when I was getting my ass handed to me by Leslie Stahl over a little welling up?  God this guy can talk - how long should this go on?  Engineering, math - is everyone as bored as I am?  Why do people need to train for careers?  I mean, Jesus, if I can be speaker of the house what job could possibly require training? More with the children, with the college -why didn't I bring a flask?
Oh the President just made a health care joke - must make half-hearted smile - yeah, just in time for the cameras.  Oh Christ, here he goes with actual stories about actual sick people -talk about obvious.  If I'd known being Speaker would mean having to pay attention to this whole speech I'd have given it a second thought, and that's the truth.  I have a reservation at the Capital Grille - not that he cares.  Cuts - yeah right - like that's gonna balance the budget.  Okay, it will, but only if you cut stuff for poor people.  I mean, they're poor - what could they spend anyway?  Cut defense spendiing - cut loopholes- this guy calls himself a golfer?  I mean, any potbellied-over-tanned white guy knows that the essence of golfing is being to talk about the necessity of fighting wars none of you will have to fight and protecting the tax loopholes of rich guys you know whose club membership you want to enjoy.  Some rich guy is supposed to give up a Sunday brunch so some poor kid can go to school?  I don't get it.  Compromise.  Did he just say compromise?  Didn't he watch my 60 Minutes interview?  I don't believe in compromise. Is he using that word to make me cry?  You can't make me cry Mr. President guy.  If I was at the Capital Grille what would I eat? A New York steak, I think.  Onion Rings. Veto earmarks.  Are you batshit crazy?  It's just something we all say.  How do you think we get elected?  Hey, Big Ears, how do you think we get elected?  God, that was exhausting.  Actually caring about stuff must wear you out.  Here's some good news - he's aligning himself with war in Irag - things are good there - super, glad to hear it -bye bye blaming Bush and by the way - if I read the paper I'd know that this week in Iraq has been horrific but who reads the paper?...Now he's claiming future victory in Afghanistan - Good luck with that.  I mean, we said it but to actually believe it? North Korea keep a commitment - mabye he took up the whacky weed after dumping the cigarettes - Tunisia, where the hell is Tunisia?  A big standing O for the military.  When did democrats get to invoke the military?  This is so not fair.  Name one other Republican who actually had to prove how much they supported the military when claiming they supported the military. Just me.  God I'd like a drink.  This is now over an hour.  OVER AN HOUR. I'd trade places with anyone on earth who doesn't have to sit here  Sweeping a bar is looking good right now.  No, we don't have the same dream. My dream is that you shut up.  Until you referred to me just now.  Talk away, handsome man.  Okay, enough, seriously I have scotch and steak waiting.  Oh he's gonna tell a dream story.  Shoot me now.  Apparently miners were rescued in another country.  They can't vote for me.  Who cares?  Cares...blahblahblahBigThingblahblahblahHopefulblahblahblah.  Finally over. Thank you most merciful God.